Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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