I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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