That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
