Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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