I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
