If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
