did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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