I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
