i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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