I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
