now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
