apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
