Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Farmville is her only friend.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Randomize
