I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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