GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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