if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
