she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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