I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
