Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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