My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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