those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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