i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
