Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
