hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize