I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
