Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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