Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
