i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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