When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
