The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
