Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
