I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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