I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Randomize
