woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The uberlube is also flammable
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Randomize
