the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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