One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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