The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
