she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize