my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
