my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
