barbara walters just said penis...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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