I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
