I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
