I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
