Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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