Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You dont lie about slip and slides
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
