dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
