New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
