So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
