she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
you inspire me to be a worse person
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
