Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
