I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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