If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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