why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
