I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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