So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
i think i just lost a toe
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
